I first tried to kill myself in 2000, and writing about it of course resulted in another fucking award from Columbia.
My drug dealer broke into my apartment, found my phone, called everyone he’d ever heard me talk about, and then finally 911. I’d been thorough.
At that point, it was merely personal problems; we now have systemic ones.
I’m still crashing with a friend but return to the marginally movable trash can tomorrow.
I don’t know what I’m looking for by posting. I just know “not this” is where I’m at in life, and one can only spend so much time with the crisis line.
I’m struggling with suicidal ideation too. Decades suffering gender dysphoria I couldn’t recognize left its mark. I was depressed, anxious, always feeling stuck on a neverending treadmill, gasping to keep up and keep moving. Once I understood the cause, I took steps to discover joy I didn’t know I could have, only for the world to crash down for wanting that joy, needing it. Trans folk are being crushed for the political expediency of hideously selfish prats. They use us, as they would any other convenient minority, to sustain an illusion they’re accomplishing something in politics. These fascists dehumanize us, destroy our joy for their self-gain, and damn the lives they break along the way.
I don’t want to die, I want to live. But my world is screaming and I can’t breathe. I don’t need platitudes; I don’t want to live for the sake of spite; I want the pain to stop. Everything is a severe blizzard of white noise, blinding and formless and overwhelming. My path is unclear. I feel so goddamn alone.
Despite this, there’s one hope I hold. I reject the dogmas of capitalism and fascism where one can only succeed by trampling others. I know we can be more than a worthless wreck of squirrels: hoarding, screeching, and killing each other over territory and power until we’re all boiled down into shapeless grey lumps. I also know this won’t happen on its own, and it won’t be by my will alone.
What I can do, in the here and now, is live my life the way I think it ought to be lived, and share it as much as I can to any who’ll listen. I choose what I value, not what the world forces upon me, and I reject the notion “there’s no other way.” My life is fullest when I enrich it with a diversity of stories, art, music, etc., because they challenge me, and show me the wonders of this existence in ways I couldn’t imagine on my own. Stories of characters I admire and love keep me alive and focused, when the world drowns all other thought out. I value experiences, above all else, not for novelty nor distraction, but for personal growth and the sheer enjoyment of exploration. I want to be the better person, for my own sake; and I don’t have to cut anyone else down to make it so.
I know you’re struggling right now, and how crippling it can be. Please stay. The world is better for you being in it, even if you can’t see or feel it right now. We don’t always get to see the effect we have on this world or others, but even the smallest steps we take matter. Even if all you can muster is one small step, it’s enough.