My nephew wants to be instantly good at things and it drives me crazy. He’ll roll his eyes and say "of course you’re going to make that shot (in billiards) or get frustrated that’s he’s not amazing without practicing in martial arts, video games, golf, fitness, etc. I’m sure he’ll grow out of it, but in the meantime he won’t work at it or accept instruction. I’m like “yeah dude, I’ve done this thousands of times. Let me help you!”
My youngest (now 27) has a bit of a problem with that. The issue is that he’s smart and most things always came easy to him. He’d do those giant writing assignments the night before that are supposed to be worked on for weeks and still get the high grade. Hardly ever seemed to study, but got solid A’s. But when something comes along that he’s not automatically good at, he gets super frustrated. He wanted to learn the guitar in high school (I play a little), so we bought him one and some basic instruction, but he hated it because it didn’t come naturally. It’s a decoration on his wall.
I will give him this though: he decided a few years back that he wanted to learn to draw, and that didn’t come naturally, but he’s continued to work at it and has gotten pretty decent. So it’s something a person can get past.
I think the difference with his guitar playing and drawing was that he probably just didn’t enjoy learning guitar. Tons of people buy an instrument to only learn later that they didn’t like it as much as they thought. Not trying to say you don’t know your kid, just pointing out that learning an art requires an interest to put into it. It can definitely be frustrating to realize that you aren’t as interested in the learning process of something you had dreams of being good at.
I hear what you’re saying, but I honestly think it was just motivation and maturity. I gave you two examples, but there were a number of things that he got very frustrated about when they didn’t come easily. Some were school subjects, so he didn’t have a choice and had to keep pushing at it, and would eventually get there. In fact, he didn’t learn those things more slowly than anyone else, it was just that he was used to getting things instantly.
There’s zero doubt in my mind that he would enjoy the guitar, but he wasn’t mature enough to get past the initial frustration at the time.
That’s good to hear, and I’m glad your kid is figuring it out! Very good point about those that are gifted sometimes needing to work harder at learning to, uh, learn.
“I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 times.” - Bruce Lee
Edit, in the same spirit: “The difference between a novice and a master is that the master has failed more times than the novice has even tried.” - No idea who
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I love the feeling of neurons rewiring to form a new pathway of understanding. Or whatever the hell it is. At 38, it’s a pleasure finding I can still learn and build new skills.
Playing Beat Saber and hitting a plateau only to find my focus starts to evaporate over the course of a hard track as I find that flow, that path to just being in it, each skill plateau merely being temporary, is great. Playing guitar and slowly starting to wire my brain for the pathway for barre chords and faster movement along the frets is a crazy feeling. That sense of finally finding the pathways for singing to operate even SLIGHTLY separately from the rhythm of the guitar, those glimpses of polyrhythm? Addicting.
If you’re able, I hope you can teach him to find that pleasure of not mastery, but evolving strengths. Maybe it’s like an RPG where skills can be leveled up over time the more you use them. I know all too well the frustration of imperfection to start, ADHD during the 90s and the whole “perfect student” pressure created a lot I had to undo and still am, but each time I can break free of that it’s rewarding.
My nephew wants to be instantly good at things and it drives me crazy. He’ll roll his eyes and say "of course you’re going to make that shot (in billiards) or get frustrated that’s he’s not amazing without practicing in martial arts, video games, golf, fitness, etc. I’m sure he’ll grow out of it, but in the meantime he won’t work at it or accept instruction. I’m like “yeah dude, I’ve done this thousands of times. Let me help you!”
Teach him to fail. Those kids are afraid of failing because somewhere in life someone traumatized them so they don’t like to ever fail at anything.
*teach him to grow from failure
In order to grow from failure one must learn to fail
That first lesson was so hard to learn
I’m his uncle. Of course he’s familiar with failure!
My youngest (now 27) has a bit of a problem with that. The issue is that he’s smart and most things always came easy to him. He’d do those giant writing assignments the night before that are supposed to be worked on for weeks and still get the high grade. Hardly ever seemed to study, but got solid A’s. But when something comes along that he’s not automatically good at, he gets super frustrated. He wanted to learn the guitar in high school (I play a little), so we bought him one and some basic instruction, but he hated it because it didn’t come naturally. It’s a decoration on his wall.
I will give him this though: he decided a few years back that he wanted to learn to draw, and that didn’t come naturally, but he’s continued to work at it and has gotten pretty decent. So it’s something a person can get past.
I think the difference with his guitar playing and drawing was that he probably just didn’t enjoy learning guitar. Tons of people buy an instrument to only learn later that they didn’t like it as much as they thought. Not trying to say you don’t know your kid, just pointing out that learning an art requires an interest to put into it. It can definitely be frustrating to realize that you aren’t as interested in the learning process of something you had dreams of being good at.
I hear what you’re saying, but I honestly think it was just motivation and maturity. I gave you two examples, but there were a number of things that he got very frustrated about when they didn’t come easily. Some were school subjects, so he didn’t have a choice and had to keep pushing at it, and would eventually get there. In fact, he didn’t learn those things more slowly than anyone else, it was just that he was used to getting things instantly.
There’s zero doubt in my mind that he would enjoy the guitar, but he wasn’t mature enough to get past the initial frustration at the time.
That’s good to hear, and I’m glad your kid is figuring it out! Very good point about those that are gifted sometimes needing to work harder at learning to, uh, learn.
“I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 times.” - Bruce Lee
Edit, in the same spirit: “The difference between a novice and a master is that the master has failed more times than the novice has even tried.” - No idea who
Follow me for more Karate Kid-level inspirational quotes.
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“Every champion was once a contender who refused to give up.” - Rocky Balboa
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Daniel : Wouldn’t a fly swatter be easier?
Miyagi : Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything.
Daniel : Ever catch one?
Miyagi : Not yet.
– Karate Kid
I love the feeling of neurons rewiring to form a new pathway of understanding. Or whatever the hell it is. At 38, it’s a pleasure finding I can still learn and build new skills.
Playing Beat Saber and hitting a plateau only to find my focus starts to evaporate over the course of a hard track as I find that flow, that path to just being in it, each skill plateau merely being temporary, is great. Playing guitar and slowly starting to wire my brain for the pathway for barre chords and faster movement along the frets is a crazy feeling. That sense of finally finding the pathways for singing to operate even SLIGHTLY separately from the rhythm of the guitar, those glimpses of polyrhythm? Addicting.
If you’re able, I hope you can teach him to find that pleasure of not mastery, but evolving strengths. Maybe it’s like an RPG where skills can be leveled up over time the more you use them. I know all too well the frustration of imperfection to start, ADHD during the 90s and the whole “perfect student” pressure created a lot I had to undo and still am, but each time I can break free of that it’s rewarding.
Well said. I will certainly do my best! 🫡
idk man. my ex was like this at 30. she just gave up on stuff if she wasn’t good at it immediately. made it very difficult to do things together
it was kind of weird because in most other aspects she was very mature. but not that one.
I’m 39 and I want to be instantly good at things. It sucks. Good luck breaking your nephew out of it.
Find things that don’t matter as much and work from there.