Stoicism helped me. The dichotomy of control.

“You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this and you’ll find strength.” -Marcus Aurelius

Basically everyone is responsible over their own thoughts and actions.

Honestly, watching and thinking about the Pixar movie Inside Out helped me understand my anger a lot better. In the movie, Anger is kind of a joke character. But there’s a line when he’s introduced where Joy says “Anger wants things to be fair.”

I think a lot about how when I’m angry, most of the time there’s some imbalance that I want balanced, and I’m looking to inflict pain, either physical or emotional, in order to balance it out. The vast majority of times, that’s not actually a winning strategy, either in terms of long or short term goals.

It doesn’t always work, but trying to think in terms of what I actually want, why I want it, and what impulses and aims are leading to my feelings, has been a lot of help to not feeling so much like I’m being helplessly driven by my anger.

I’ve had similar strong reactions to other things. In my case, I had some unresolved trauma that I wasn’t even consciously aware of until I worked through it with a therapist. Not necessarily the case with you, but it might be worth talking to a professional if you have the means.

That being said, every office seems to have obnoxious coworkers (that’s pretty much the premise of The Office, and why it did so well). And that can be annoying for sure. For me, I try to not take my work overly seriously, and I try to remember that others might find me obnoxious at times too.

Honestly? The serenity prayer.

Give me the strength to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Yes it’s pithy, and I’m pretty sure there’s nobody, other than me, granting me strength. I use it more like an affirmation and a test. Can I control this? No? Then I let it go. If it’s something I can change, I ask myself what’s the most humane way of doing so? For example yelling at people and insulting them isn’t very humane and isn’t likely to result in change.

Another thing I actively try to remember is that people are not puppets. They have their own mind and their own agency. If they refuse to change then the problem gets let go. Life is too short to let other people’s behavior bother you unless it’s putting you at risk of being physically hurt. If none of this helps then removing yourself from the situation or breathing exercises might help.

I’m not some happy clam either, I struggle with this stuff everyday. Anyone who looks at my posting history can see me struggle with it. But this is the approach I’ve had the most success with.

On the off chance that you actually have a problem with audio processing, (loud or unexpected noises/talking triggering anger etc), you might try noise cancelling headphones.

Sometimes it helps to feel bad for someone instead of being angry at them. I think of Gandalf’s quote from LOTR:

“Frodo: ‘It’s a pity Bilbo didn’t kill Gollum when he had the chance.’
Gandalf: 'Pity? It’s pity that stayed Bilbo’s hand. Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment.”

Drop caffeine. Seriously, that took me from reacting like the hulk to just getting flushed in the face (in most cases…I still flew off the handle sometimes, but like less than 20% compared to before). Next step that helped then was getting a non stimulant medication for ADHD, but that may not be needed for you.

Not likely to help but for me it was joining the military.

Between the training I received and the situations I faced, nothing in civilian life has really been able to effect me.

It’s been 25 years since I left the service and I can count on one hand the times I’ve actually been angry about something.

I am not a better human being, but I’m combating my irritability one cause at a time. Firstly, treating physical conditions that cause irritability (as much as money has let me): hormonal issues, sleeping issues, etc. Secondly, addressing psychological and psychiatric problems (I had to learn a lot of these topics because I wasn’t able to afford specialists all the time and it was an interest of mine anyway). Finally, fixing external or environmental causes, e.g. working on changing toxic relationships.

It is still a work in progress, but my life is getting calmer and calmer as I am ticking the boxes in that list. At some point, you get to a place where you can search for your own answers, existentially speaking, and that also helps. Here I mean exploring philosophy and your own ideas; your feelings, your passions, etc.

Be patient. Be compassionate with yourself (and others).

Stopped being poor. My family instilling a poverty mindset meant stuff breaking led to many negative emotions. If you stop caring about how much that can ruin your financial situation, that’s a massive reduction in stress and anger.

I transitioned…

Why do you assume I am now a better person? In my defense, I have BPD. It takes nothing to shift my mood, and my emotions are cranked to 11 at all times. The best way to control my rage is to get the fuck away from what’s pissing me off.

Ok, so this is a bit weird, but… I am set off by businesses or management that make patently terrible decisions - especially if I work there. I can barely hold it together in a meeting without shouting like a lunatic. I bottled it up until I started to lose my hair (not recommended). I eventually left to start my own business, where other people can rail about my poor decisions. Not everyone can/should start their own business, but you can look for another job that is a better fit for you. Remember when you interview, you are looking for cultural fit as much as they are looking for an employee.

For me, it was a number of things that all came about through my 20s. The biggest were learning both how and when to tell people “no”, and making a conscious effort to think proactively rather than reactively.

What I mean by that is don’t take on extra work only because someone asks you to, and if something goes wrong, only worry about it if you can actually do something about it. Both of these are skills that require practice.

Also, as others have said, think critically if it might just be a shitty work environment. If that’s the case, consider looking for other work while keeping this job.

Human behavior is statistical. Everything you can think of there is someone doing it. Accept this fact and stop looking for normal and you’ll feel more peace.

Know that the reaction you have to their behavior is a “you” thing. The way you feel is certainly based on some past trauma or frustration. If you can figure out what that is and work in it, you’ll be free.

Notice when your teeth are clenching and muscles tensing, then consciously relax all your muscles.

It doesn’t help with the cause of the anger, but it really reduces the need to retaliate.